A Startling Conclusion
by Purple Mouse
Summary: ...In which I consider certain facts about Nuriko and Tomo, and--like the title says--come to a Startling Conclusion. (I think I've caught the humor bug. Maybe it's just stress. Anyhoo, this is pretty silly...)


Disclaimers: Have nothing ****

Disclaimers: Have nothing. Own nothing. Speak you English? ^_^

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Warnings: If ya don't know what characters die, ya might not wanna read this. It's only mentioned once, but...just in case, Ep. 33. Also, I make fun of Nuriko and Tomo (OOC!!) but that's because I love them!! And the more you love someone, the more you can fondly make fun of them! So I _love _you, Tomo and Nuriko! Love, love, love!!! **blows kiss**

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Note: Please don't expect this to make any sense at all. ^_^

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A Startling Conclusion

Me: [_goes up to podium, stands on huge pile of books, taps microphone_] Well, I've been doing a lot of thinking lately, and have come to a startling conclusion. [_points proudly to title of script_] 

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All: [_talk amongst themselves_]

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Me: Ahem.

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All: [_continue to talk_]

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Me: _EXCUSE ME!!!! _I'm trying to relate some interesting stuff, here!!!

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All: [_grumble, grumble_] Yeah, okay, fine.

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Me: [_pulls out chart and points with stick_] After many hours of careful study, I have discovered that, contrary to popular belief, the Suzaku Shichiseishi Nuriko and the Seiryuu Shichiseishi Tomo are actually…_the same person_.

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Tomo & Nuriko: _WHAT????_

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Tomo: What the _hell_???!!!

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Me: I swear. It's true.

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Nuriko: Heh heh… [_rushes up to lectern and grabs my arm_…_really, really hard_] Heh…I'm sure you don't mean that, Mouse-chan…you're just caffeinated again, ne?

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Me: [_trying to shake him off_] Absolutely not. I have concrete evidence.

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Tomo: [_standing up in the audience_] I must protest! This is unheard of!!

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Nuriko: You're telling me!! [_whispers through clenched teeth_] If you stop right now, I'll buy you a case of Pepsi One…whadda ya say??

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Me: Tempting, but no. Will you let me go?

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Nuriko: [_releasing me_] Fine! I don't know what I'm so worried about, anyway…there's no _way _you can prove it.

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Tomo: [_flustered; whispering frantically into his hand_]

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Nuriko: Tomo? What the hell're ya doin'?!

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Tomo: [_looking up quickly_] Uhhhhhhh, nothing! 

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Nuriko: Oh, for crying out…Will ya stop talking to the damn shell and get your butt up here??? Maybe we can intimidate her if we loom menacingly in the background.

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Me: Ahem…_as I was saying_…Figure Number One. Their appearances in the series. The audience will note that Tomo does not appear until _after _Nuriko is dead…

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Nuriko: That's nonsense!!! Just because he wasn't intrinsic to the plot until Tape Nine doesn't mean…

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Tomo: And Miboshi didn't appear until _after _I did! What, are you gonna try to prove that he's the same person as…as, uh…Shoka, or something??

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Mitsukake: Hey!!

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Me: [_ignores them_] Figure Number Two: they're both gay.

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Nuriko & Tomo: Gaaaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!

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Nuriko: I am SO SICK of hearing that!!!!!!

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Tomo: That's worse than saying, "Hey, Nuriko, Tomo! You both like men, why don't you hook up, or something?" It's _disgusting!!_

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Nuriko: From my perspective, at least.

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Tomo: Oh, shut up!

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Nuriko: And sure, we're gay, but you don't have to keep _pointing it out _to everyone! We're just like everyone else! We're powerful and heroic—well, _I'm _heroic; Tomo's just kind of a mental case—and there's really no need to tease us!!

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Tomo: [_mumbles pathetically_] At least no one ever calls you "Tomo the Homo."

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Nuriko: [_quiet aside to Tomo_]Well, that wouldn't be practical, would it, since my name's _Nuriko_???

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Tomo: Hmmph.

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Nuriko: To return to the point, saying we're the same person because we're both gay is just idiotic!!!!! Like there are no other gay people in the world????!!!

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Hotohori: You go, Nuriko!!

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Nuriko: I rest my case.

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Me: Well, I see your point. But here's one more piece of evidence.

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Nuriko: Go right ahead. We're not afraid of you.

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Tomo: Damn straight.

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Me: Okay, chew on this, you guys: Nuriko's real name is Chou Ryuuen, right?

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Nuriko: Yeah. So?

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Me: And Tomo's real name is Ryo Chuin.

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Nuriko & Tomo: ………..

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Me: Chou Ryuuen. Ryo Chuin. They're, like…the same, but with the first letters reversed.

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Nuriko & Tomo: …………

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Me: So my conclusion is, that Nuriko and Tomo are really the good and evil halves of the same person.

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Nuriko: Holy crap!!! What if she's right???

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Tomo: I'm…you're….we're…._GAAAAAHHHHH!!!!_

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Nuriko: Arghhhh!!! What happened to my makeup skills when I'm evil???

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Tomo: Aaahhhhh!!! What happened to my fashion sense when I'm good???

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Nuriko: Hotohori-sama!!! Can you ever forgive me????

Tomo: [_again, apparently talking to his hand_] Tell me it's not true, Shin…tell me it's not true…

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Me: Uh, guys?

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Nuriko: What should we do??? Should we, like, find an exorcist or something to divide us completely??

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Tomo: [_covers his ears with his hands, shuts his eyes, and starts humming loudly_]

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Nuriko: [_frantic_] Chichiri!! Buddy!! Heh heh, you know lots of cool spells, right??

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Chichiri: [_sweatdrop_] I'm not a freakin' exorcist, no da!!

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Me: Hey, _guys_!!!

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All: [_turn to me_]

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Me: I was just kidding!! Jeez!! 

[_looooooooong, uncomfortable pause_]

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Nuriko: [_dangerously_] Just…_kidding_??

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Me: Heh…yeah. [_smiles innocently_] Y'see…uh…I was going to start writing my French midterm, but…then I considered my options, and I decided that writing a stupid, pointless Fushigi Yuugi script would be much more fun.

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Nuriko: And you just _had _to mess with our minds, huh?

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Tomo: [_bursts into tears_]

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Nuriko: Just look what you've done.

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Me: Sorry. I really love both of you, you know.

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Nuriko: [_skeptical_] Uh huh, and that's why you keep making fun of us, huh.

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Me: [_defensive_] You _always _make fun of people you love!!! It says so up there in the warnings!!

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Nuriko: [_skips back and reads warning; eyes fill with tears_] Awww, you really like us!!

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Me: I do!!

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Nuriko: Group hug!!!!

[_They hug_]

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Nuriko: Hey, Hotohori-sama!! Wanna come join the group hug??

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Tomo: Hey, Nakago, wanna…Ahhh!! Dammit!! You guys smashed Shin!!

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THE END

Nuriko: Hey, does this one have a moral, too?

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Me: Ummmmm, not really.

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Nuriko: What, _nothing_? Not even a stupid one?

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Tomo: [_crossly_] How about, "Smashing other people's magic shells is mean?"

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Nuriko: Or, "Forgiveness is Divine?"

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Tomo: Or, "Don't tease Nuriko and Tomo anymore?"

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Nuriko: C'mon, you can think of one.

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Me: Okay, okay…

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Nuriko: Well? What is it?

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Me: The moral of this story is…

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Nuriko: Yeah? Yeah?

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Me: "Tomo and Nuriko both like men, so they should get together! HAH!!!" [_sticks out her tongue at them and runs away before they can punch her and/or stab her with feathers_]

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Nuriko: Dammit. She'd better be kidding.

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(Note: Don't worry, I am! ^_^ **)**


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